I walk the line.
I'm home from college. I hate it; I want to go back.
At school, the only problems I have are the ones I create for myself. It's not terribly difficult to get over them once I realize that. Here, I have to face everything. I have to face the fact that my mother is gone. I have to face the fact that this house will soon no longer belong to my family. I have to face the fact that I'm going to live a life exactly like my parents' (constantly worrying about money) because I'm about to accumulate $60,000 worth of college loans.
My friends here are different than at school. I have so much more in common with the people at school, I think, since we all went to that school for a reason. Here we're just friends because there's no one else around. I don't mean that I don't appreciate them because I really, really do. I just feel like the bonds I've made with my college friends are so much stronger.
Tonight I got the urge to find this folder of my mother's that I've been looking for. In the process I found a folder where she kept every award, certificate, progress report, or report card I've received since I started school in this state. That point was the worst I've been since February 26th when she died. It just hit me like a ton of bricks (excuse the cliché) how much she really did love me. I feel so cheated. I feel like there is so much about her that I don't know that I may never find out.
The worst pain about losing my mother is knowing that every day that is supposed to be a happy one will be cast with the shadow of her death and while it will still be one of the happiest days of my life, it will also be one of the saddest simultaneously. At my wedding I will cry tears of joy but also tears of remembrance and sadness that my mother will not be there. I don't care about the "she'll be there in spirit" crap because that means nothing to me. She won't actually be there, no matter what anybody says, and that kills me.
That's all..
At school, the only problems I have are the ones I create for myself. It's not terribly difficult to get over them once I realize that. Here, I have to face everything. I have to face the fact that my mother is gone. I have to face the fact that this house will soon no longer belong to my family. I have to face the fact that I'm going to live a life exactly like my parents' (constantly worrying about money) because I'm about to accumulate $60,000 worth of college loans.
My friends here are different than at school. I have so much more in common with the people at school, I think, since we all went to that school for a reason. Here we're just friends because there's no one else around. I don't mean that I don't appreciate them because I really, really do. I just feel like the bonds I've made with my college friends are so much stronger.
Tonight I got the urge to find this folder of my mother's that I've been looking for. In the process I found a folder where she kept every award, certificate, progress report, or report card I've received since I started school in this state. That point was the worst I've been since February 26th when she died. It just hit me like a ton of bricks (excuse the cliché) how much she really did love me. I feel so cheated. I feel like there is so much about her that I don't know that I may never find out.
The worst pain about losing my mother is knowing that every day that is supposed to be a happy one will be cast with the shadow of her death and while it will still be one of the happiest days of my life, it will also be one of the saddest simultaneously. At my wedding I will cry tears of joy but also tears of remembrance and sadness that my mother will not be there. I don't care about the "she'll be there in spirit" crap because that means nothing to me. She won't actually be there, no matter what anybody says, and that kills me.
That's all..
posted by Stacey @ 3:11 AM
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