Ugh.
I think I've been acting like I'm okay so well that people actually believe me. The thing is, I'm about the farthest thing from okay that there is. I'm completely fucked up, I mean, come on. It can't be that hard to see. You'd think my outburts would clue people like my Dad and my boyfriend in, but they just think I'm being a bitch just for the sake of being a bitch.
But the thing is, I just want to be treated with a little respect, and I'm not. I'm not taken seriously whatsoever, and I feel like any efforts I put forth in life are done so in vain. Nothing I do is appreciated, so I might as well stop trying.
Tonight I came to the conclusion that even though I want to do graphic design more than anything else, going to SCAD was probably the biggest mistake of my life, because I'm not rich like everyone else who goes there.
Anyway, this 21 and 24 year old couple is moving into my house, and they have 2 cats. I told my dad that no cats are allowed in my home whatsoever because I'm allergic to them and have horrible allergy attacks already as it is. He just started yelling at me and saying how I'm never in the house anyway. I said it was because of how he treated me when I'm there...and I was being honest. He's such a jackass to me lately. I realize he's completely messed up over losing my mom, but he stopped being a father to me when my mom died. All I am to him anymore is a financial obligation. He doesn't show any signs of compassion towards me whatsoever. It's awesome to know that out of the only 2 people in this entire world who were supposed to love me unconditionally, one has died and the other one may as well have, too.
My boyfriend refuses to grow up. He finds a way to mention his ex-girlfriend almost every day. A few days ago I found over 200 pictures of her on his computer, including pictures of them having sex. That basically ruined my day. He also had a drawer full of notes and letters she had written him. That sparked a decent fight. His mom and stepdad just called me upstairs and talked to me about it. His stepdad said he told George never to mention his ex to me again, and I said "See? That's what I told him, and he won't listen!" All I want is for her to be in his PAST, and not alongside his present. But neither one of them will let that happen.
So I guess the point of this entry is to say how completely fucked up I am mentally and emotionally right now, and to let the right people know that maybe instead of fighting me you should try and help me. I don't know what I need right now, but the last thing I need is opposition. I'm just trying to hold myself together because the middle of college is not a time to fall apart.
But the thing is, I just want to be treated with a little respect, and I'm not. I'm not taken seriously whatsoever, and I feel like any efforts I put forth in life are done so in vain. Nothing I do is appreciated, so I might as well stop trying.
Tonight I came to the conclusion that even though I want to do graphic design more than anything else, going to SCAD was probably the biggest mistake of my life, because I'm not rich like everyone else who goes there.
Anyway, this 21 and 24 year old couple is moving into my house, and they have 2 cats. I told my dad that no cats are allowed in my home whatsoever because I'm allergic to them and have horrible allergy attacks already as it is. He just started yelling at me and saying how I'm never in the house anyway. I said it was because of how he treated me when I'm there...and I was being honest. He's such a jackass to me lately. I realize he's completely messed up over losing my mom, but he stopped being a father to me when my mom died. All I am to him anymore is a financial obligation. He doesn't show any signs of compassion towards me whatsoever. It's awesome to know that out of the only 2 people in this entire world who were supposed to love me unconditionally, one has died and the other one may as well have, too.
My boyfriend refuses to grow up. He finds a way to mention his ex-girlfriend almost every day. A few days ago I found over 200 pictures of her on his computer, including pictures of them having sex. That basically ruined my day. He also had a drawer full of notes and letters she had written him. That sparked a decent fight. His mom and stepdad just called me upstairs and talked to me about it. His stepdad said he told George never to mention his ex to me again, and I said "See? That's what I told him, and he won't listen!" All I want is for her to be in his PAST, and not alongside his present. But neither one of them will let that happen.
So I guess the point of this entry is to say how completely fucked up I am mentally and emotionally right now, and to let the right people know that maybe instead of fighting me you should try and help me. I don't know what I need right now, but the last thing I need is opposition. I'm just trying to hold myself together because the middle of college is not a time to fall apart.
posted by Stacey @ 7:37 PM
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