Things most people don't realize about me:
I still deal with the death of my mother every day. Today I found an old conversation between George and me, and all it took was me saying, "sorry....momma just came in" to make me start crying. She'll never just barge into my room ever again.
You fuckers don't even understand how fucking lucky you are to still have both of your parents, for everyone who still does. It's a pain I can never express. I feel like I'm still a baby. There's so much about my life/her life that I will never know now. It was only a couple of years ago that she started to reveal her horrible past to me (like that her ex-husband was a cross dresser and that's why they ultimately got divorced). I'll never know things like that now.
On top of that, I dream about her almost every night. The only thing is, in my dreams she is never alright. She is always ill with her cancer, only she's right on the verge of death. Usually by the end of the dream she dies. They're so gruesome and twisted. I just want to dream of my mother how she was before we found out she had cancer. I want to see her in all of her glory.
This is just not fair. It is NOT FAIR!!!!!! She had so much left to teach me that I'll never learn. We'll never go out to Friendly's for dinner together again. She won't ever say "who's Tony???" again. She won't get to see me get married or have kids. She'll never have gotten to meet my future husband (George? and that's my mistake, because if I had only just given George a chance earlier on, she would have gotten to meet him.).
I realize that this probably had to happen in order for me to a) grow up, and b) learn to appreciate her as a good mother, but I can't help but feel bitter that I was ROBBED of a mother for the rest of my LIFE. My parents are supposed to die when I'm like 50 or 60 and they're old and can barely function anymore...not when they are 50 or 60.
I've realized since my mother died that she is such an angel. She was an incredible human being, even if we couldn't get along. She took care of terminally ill patients, ironically, before she got sick. And she did literally everything for those people and they all appreciated her so much, and she became part of their families as she took care of them. I get sick thinking of what a cruel, cruel situation this is for everybody involved.
My mother: Obviously the most affected, she lost her fucking LIFE. She was so fucking young. I get so ANGRY when I think about the fact that she's not here. It's just so unfair, she was a GOOD PERSON!!! Not a witch like my evil grandmother who is still alive and gratuitously chain smoking.
My father: I think he got the shit end of the stick. My parents were perfect, perfect, perfect for each other. If they ever fought, it was because one of them was fighting with me (my dad) and the other one (almost always my mom) got mad over that. They never, EVER fought. They were, by all accounts, soulmates. And I know my dad will most likely never re-marry because she was his one and only. I can't imagine him treating another woman as well as he treated my mother. I can't imagine him with anybody else, and he certainly as of now is not interested. My dad has always been a generally happy person but since my mom died he's actually fallen into a depression which hurts me to see. I feel semi-responsible because I'm not even there 9 months of the year to help ease his loneliness. His finances are all messed up now, too. His life, and subsequentially mine, is a mess.
Me: Well obviously, I lost my mother. I lost the one and only person who 100% loved me unconditionally. I don't include my dad in this only because he is not technically blood, and if he wanted to, which I know he never would, he could up and leave me. But I lost the most important person of my entire life. I never realized how important she was to me until she was gone. She was my backbone. She was my strength. Even for simple things. I need her right now. I'm in the worst period of my life to be going through something like this. I'm so stressed out about everything: school, graduating, loans, is George the one I'm going to marry?, how is Dad going to keep our house?, why does my life suck so hard right now?
I feel like my life, and of course my dad's, has just been turned upside down. It makes sense; we were united in a very odd and circumstancial way and once that happened everything came together and we became a normal middle class family. It only seems appropriate that if you should take one of us out of the picture that that idealistic life go, too. It's just...I never imagined life being like this. What happens if my dad CAN'T keep our house? My heart broke into a million pieces the day he told me he had to sell it. It picked back up when he said he was taking it off the market, but no one wants to be his roommate and so I have no idea what is going to happen. Ugh.
I know this was long but I was sitting here crying thinking about my mother so I felt obligated to post and let the lack of people reading this know what really goes on behind my happy-go-lucky façade.
You fuckers don't even understand how fucking lucky you are to still have both of your parents, for everyone who still does. It's a pain I can never express. I feel like I'm still a baby. There's so much about my life/her life that I will never know now. It was only a couple of years ago that she started to reveal her horrible past to me (like that her ex-husband was a cross dresser and that's why they ultimately got divorced). I'll never know things like that now.
On top of that, I dream about her almost every night. The only thing is, in my dreams she is never alright. She is always ill with her cancer, only she's right on the verge of death. Usually by the end of the dream she dies. They're so gruesome and twisted. I just want to dream of my mother how she was before we found out she had cancer. I want to see her in all of her glory.
This is just not fair. It is NOT FAIR!!!!!! She had so much left to teach me that I'll never learn. We'll never go out to Friendly's for dinner together again. She won't ever say "who's Tony???" again. She won't get to see me get married or have kids. She'll never have gotten to meet my future husband (George? and that's my mistake, because if I had only just given George a chance earlier on, she would have gotten to meet him.).
I realize that this probably had to happen in order for me to a) grow up, and b) learn to appreciate her as a good mother, but I can't help but feel bitter that I was ROBBED of a mother for the rest of my LIFE. My parents are supposed to die when I'm like 50 or 60 and they're old and can barely function anymore...not when they are 50 or 60.
I've realized since my mother died that she is such an angel. She was an incredible human being, even if we couldn't get along. She took care of terminally ill patients, ironically, before she got sick. And she did literally everything for those people and they all appreciated her so much, and she became part of their families as she took care of them. I get sick thinking of what a cruel, cruel situation this is for everybody involved.
My mother: Obviously the most affected, she lost her fucking LIFE. She was so fucking young. I get so ANGRY when I think about the fact that she's not here. It's just so unfair, she was a GOOD PERSON!!! Not a witch like my evil grandmother who is still alive and gratuitously chain smoking.
My father: I think he got the shit end of the stick. My parents were perfect, perfect, perfect for each other. If they ever fought, it was because one of them was fighting with me (my dad) and the other one (almost always my mom) got mad over that. They never, EVER fought. They were, by all accounts, soulmates. And I know my dad will most likely never re-marry because she was his one and only. I can't imagine him treating another woman as well as he treated my mother. I can't imagine him with anybody else, and he certainly as of now is not interested. My dad has always been a generally happy person but since my mom died he's actually fallen into a depression which hurts me to see. I feel semi-responsible because I'm not even there 9 months of the year to help ease his loneliness. His finances are all messed up now, too. His life, and subsequentially mine, is a mess.
Me: Well obviously, I lost my mother. I lost the one and only person who 100% loved me unconditionally. I don't include my dad in this only because he is not technically blood, and if he wanted to, which I know he never would, he could up and leave me. But I lost the most important person of my entire life. I never realized how important she was to me until she was gone. She was my backbone. She was my strength. Even for simple things. I need her right now. I'm in the worst period of my life to be going through something like this. I'm so stressed out about everything: school, graduating, loans, is George the one I'm going to marry?, how is Dad going to keep our house?, why does my life suck so hard right now?
I feel like my life, and of course my dad's, has just been turned upside down. It makes sense; we were united in a very odd and circumstancial way and once that happened everything came together and we became a normal middle class family. It only seems appropriate that if you should take one of us out of the picture that that idealistic life go, too. It's just...I never imagined life being like this. What happens if my dad CAN'T keep our house? My heart broke into a million pieces the day he told me he had to sell it. It picked back up when he said he was taking it off the market, but no one wants to be his roommate and so I have no idea what is going to happen. Ugh.
I know this was long but I was sitting here crying thinking about my mother so I felt obligated to post and let the lack of people reading this know what really goes on behind my happy-go-lucky façade.
posted by Stacey @ 2:42 AM
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