MOAR!!!!

So today more stuff happened between George. I have been praying and today I thought God answered my prayers. George started talking to me all on his own about the movie Wild Hogs and I was so excited to have a real conversation. Then he started getting jealous asking me if I've kissed anybody since we broke up.

After that he started somehow getting turned on and talking about sex. And he said "no matter what happens I think we should fool around on prom night." I was taking this all as good signs, like, "There is NO way he can resist me after all that stuff happens!" It was refreshing and exciting and I thought, "Wow. Maybe something DID happen to make him realize the true love we have between us."

Well, hours later, he IMed me again. "I've been thinking about what we talked about, and I realized I only desire you sexually."

*crickets*

"I'm sorry, we just aren't going to work out."

I am back and forth again on it. I feel like he can't know that for sure if he hasn't seen me in person. If he can't say these things when he is 3 inches in front of my face I can't believe him. He said "When I think of us together non-sexually, I feel like yelling." But I feel like he's thinking of us "together", not together. He thinks of us 1,000 miles apart, not right next to each other.

I have so much to say on this topic. I have two stands. First I think, if he truly loves me or ever did, he will not be able to deny that feeling in person. As much as he has tried and tried to force it away, it will creep up on him in person. But then I think, he's insisted on this other girl so much that she MUST be what he wants. I'm so confused. To me we have the most natural, chemical connection two people could ever have, and to me that is undeniable.

So then I think, if it is undeniable to me, why is it deniable to him? Will it be when I get home? Will he see me smile and will his heart melt? Or will it remind him that he just cares about me as a friend and wants *Becky*? I think of all these questions and I should be able to let it go. I have to leave him alone until prom night. I'm still going to go, I have to to see if there is still anything between us that he just can't see.

It's just that she is the complete opposite of me. And since I made him "the happiest boy on earth", why would he want the opposite of me? Won't she NOT make him that, then? When I look at pictures of us, we are so utterly happy. Just genuinely happy to be together. And I look at those same pictures and we are so in sync that our faces mimic each other. Our positions literally MIRROR each other. We reflect each other. It's that basic, pure connection that I cling on to to open George's eyes when he sees me and realize...there's truly nothing better than we've got.

But then I get scared that this girl has gotten into his head just enough to make him forget his feelings for me. Just enough to make him think what they have is real between them. But tonight I said to him, "You fell in love with me within a week. Do you love her yet? Cause if not, you will NEVER have with her what you had with me. NEVER." What we had was based on connection (right?) and what they have is based on maybe hormones or maybe just simply wanting what they both couldn't find in the people they really wanted to be with.

I'm truly struggling because I can't understand why he would leave a person so devoted and loving towards him for someone who just has a crush on him. Someone pretty for someone ugly. Someone smart for someone described as "not the brightest crayon in the box". Someone mature for someone younger. Someone who has similar taste in music for someone who has nothing in common too listen to. Someone who loves the same tv for someone who watches Lost and The O.C. WHY would he do that? It makes NO sense to me, just none!!!!!!!!!

George and I... we never tried to impress each other. We never had to. From the very FIRST day we were together, we just loved each other for who we already were. But I know this girl is putting on a show for him and parading herself around to be this cute, sweet girl, when all I've heard is she's a stuck up bitch. That will never turn into love. It just won't. What he and I had was truly real and what they have is nonsense.

We...are...mirrors of each other. Our faces mimic each other because we get to be so in sync. I'm so panicked about the situation. I can't imagine my baby being taken from me, especially not to go run to some girl who will never, ever appreciate him the way that I do. I just know she will never love him. I was going to buy him a puppy for our one year anniversary. She'll never do that...

I love him. I can't imagine my life without him by my side. I want to have his children some day. I want to own a house with him and wake up to his beautiful face EVERY DAY. Is that too much to ask? My brother's girlfriend of 10 years compared our relationship to the connection between my mother and my father, and they were together 20 years before she died. She said that we compliment each other in the same way. So I guess my conclusion is: I need to ignore George until I come home, and then go to prom. My brother's girlfriend told me that if the connection we have is natural like I said, it will do all the work for me on that night. If my smile is as beautiful to him as he used to say, it will warm his heart the moment he sees it.

I pray that's what happens... I can't be with anybody else, I don't ever want to be with anybody else...