MOAR!!!!

So today more stuff happened between George. I have been praying and today I thought God answered my prayers. George started talking to me all on his own about the movie Wild Hogs and I was so excited to have a real conversation. Then he started getting jealous asking me if I've kissed anybody since we broke up.

After that he started somehow getting turned on and talking about sex. And he said "no matter what happens I think we should fool around on prom night." I was taking this all as good signs, like, "There is NO way he can resist me after all that stuff happens!" It was refreshing and exciting and I thought, "Wow. Maybe something DID happen to make him realize the true love we have between us."

Well, hours later, he IMed me again. "I've been thinking about what we talked about, and I realized I only desire you sexually."

*crickets*

"I'm sorry, we just aren't going to work out."

I am back and forth again on it. I feel like he can't know that for sure if he hasn't seen me in person. If he can't say these things when he is 3 inches in front of my face I can't believe him. He said "When I think of us together non-sexually, I feel like yelling." But I feel like he's thinking of us "together", not together. He thinks of us 1,000 miles apart, not right next to each other.

I have so much to say on this topic. I have two stands. First I think, if he truly loves me or ever did, he will not be able to deny that feeling in person. As much as he has tried and tried to force it away, it will creep up on him in person. But then I think, he's insisted on this other girl so much that she MUST be what he wants. I'm so confused. To me we have the most natural, chemical connection two people could ever have, and to me that is undeniable.

So then I think, if it is undeniable to me, why is it deniable to him? Will it be when I get home? Will he see me smile and will his heart melt? Or will it remind him that he just cares about me as a friend and wants *Becky*? I think of all these questions and I should be able to let it go. I have to leave him alone until prom night. I'm still going to go, I have to to see if there is still anything between us that he just can't see.

It's just that she is the complete opposite of me. And since I made him "the happiest boy on earth", why would he want the opposite of me? Won't she NOT make him that, then? When I look at pictures of us, we are so utterly happy. Just genuinely happy to be together. And I look at those same pictures and we are so in sync that our faces mimic each other. Our positions literally MIRROR each other. We reflect each other. It's that basic, pure connection that I cling on to to open George's eyes when he sees me and realize...there's truly nothing better than we've got.

But then I get scared that this girl has gotten into his head just enough to make him forget his feelings for me. Just enough to make him think what they have is real between them. But tonight I said to him, "You fell in love with me within a week. Do you love her yet? Cause if not, you will NEVER have with her what you had with me. NEVER." What we had was based on connection (right?) and what they have is based on maybe hormones or maybe just simply wanting what they both couldn't find in the people they really wanted to be with.

I'm truly struggling because I can't understand why he would leave a person so devoted and loving towards him for someone who just has a crush on him. Someone pretty for someone ugly. Someone smart for someone described as "not the brightest crayon in the box". Someone mature for someone younger. Someone who has similar taste in music for someone who has nothing in common too listen to. Someone who loves the same tv for someone who watches Lost and The O.C. WHY would he do that? It makes NO sense to me, just none!!!!!!!!!

George and I... we never tried to impress each other. We never had to. From the very FIRST day we were together, we just loved each other for who we already were. But I know this girl is putting on a show for him and parading herself around to be this cute, sweet girl, when all I've heard is she's a stuck up bitch. That will never turn into love. It just won't. What he and I had was truly real and what they have is nonsense.

We...are...mirrors of each other. Our faces mimic each other because we get to be so in sync. I'm so panicked about the situation. I can't imagine my baby being taken from me, especially not to go run to some girl who will never, ever appreciate him the way that I do. I just know she will never love him. I was going to buy him a puppy for our one year anniversary. She'll never do that...

I love him. I can't imagine my life without him by my side. I want to have his children some day. I want to own a house with him and wake up to his beautiful face EVERY DAY. Is that too much to ask? My brother's girlfriend of 10 years compared our relationship to the connection between my mother and my father, and they were together 20 years before she died. She said that we compliment each other in the same way. So I guess my conclusion is: I need to ignore George until I come home, and then go to prom. My brother's girlfriend told me that if the connection we have is natural like I said, it will do all the work for me on that night. If my smile is as beautiful to him as he used to say, it will warm his heart the moment he sees it.

I pray that's what happens... I can't be with anybody else, I don't ever want to be with anybody else...

He is my sunshine...

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms,
but when I woke dear, I was mistaken,
and I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies are gray
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.

I'll always love you and make you happy
if you will only say the same
but if you leave me to love another
you'll regret it all some day

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy, when skies are gray,
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.

You told me once dear you really loved me
that no one else could come between
but now you've left me and love another
you have shattered all my dreams.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy, when skies are gray,
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away.

He is choosing between another girl and me this weekend. I asked him to wait until I get home, but he won't do it. I'm so terrified...scared as if I'm standing in front of an oncoming bus and can't move out of the way. I'm praying every day that someone will push me out of the way but it seems like I'm staring at it, and even though it's mere seconds away, each moment feels like an eternity. I'm in love with him more than ever now because my feelings have been tested and through a horrible situation they have remained strong. I will never stop loving him.

I'm convinced he is going to choose the other girl. The new girl. Honestly...honestly...she is no good for him. She's just a fling. She's just new and exciting. I'm everlasting, I'm forever, I'm unconditional. Please, God, help him differentiate between those qualities. Help him see which one of us will stick by him when he really needs somebody. I want him forever. I look at pictures of us and I feel like we are perfect mirror images of one another. I know I'm only 20 and he's not even 18, but I feel like he is that other half of me. The missing puzzle piece that rights all my wrongs, and calms my fears. I feel like this all is a nightmare that needs to end right now.

I'm convinced, truly convinced he will mess up and choose this other girl. A few people close to me say that if I can stick through it and get home, once he sees me on prom night, he will realize he wants to be with me again. They say if he loves me like he has always said he does, if he really does, he won't be able to deny those feelings once he's inches away from me. I hope and I pray that this is true. If *anybody* out there reads this...please pray for me. Please pray that George realizes how in love with him I am and how unconditional my love is. I will never leave him, I will never hurt him. Please pray that he understands that and chooses to stay with me. I know if he chooses that, we will be happy together for the rest of our lives.

With George, I can see what our kids would look like. I can picture our household. I can't see that with anybody or on my own. I know he's the right "one". I just know that he still may choose her and it will be the wrong choice...please, pray for George. Pray for me. Pray for us.

Thank you.

I think this is okay.

I changed my URL a while back so that George couldn't access this, so I think completely spilling my guts about everything that's going on is okay.

We have been rocky for my entire spring quarter (from late March until a week from today). George started withdrawing from me a lot and spending less time at home and almost all of his time out with his friend Brett. I started getting really jealous and asking him to spend more time talking to me and paying attention to me, and he just wouldn't do it. I started getting anxious and he started pulling away even more.

George and I have a family plan on T-Mobile under my name. I have access to who he talks to and I simply don't have the self control not to look. I started noticing he added a girl named Samantha to his phone book and started text messaging and calling her a lot, at times when he told me he couldn't talk to me. When I asked him about it, he said it was the daughter of the guy he was going to work for over the summer, and she was his receptionist. One night he went to see Spiderman 3, and for some reason I signed on to his screen name. The girl who I suspected was the girl truly in his phone messaged him, I asked her for her phone number, and he was caught in a lie.

When I called him to confront him about it, he broke up with me. He was angry at me for snooping, but I was angrier about him lying. I spent the whole weekend in my bed, crying uncontrollably and feeling desperate and helpless. I was on the phone constantly with anyone who would talk to me because I needed to be calmed down.

After that weekend, George came to me and said he wanted to try again, so we did. By that Saturday night, however, he was breaking up with me again. "I just don't have the same feelings for you anymore," "Maybe we can try again when you come home," "What happens, happens." At first I freaked out but then I got angry that he was pulling crap again and I told him that. That made him call me the next day and tell me he missed me and he loved me.

After that I started missing him of course and started talking to him...giving him back power and control. That's when he started ignoring me. I started noticing on T-Mobile that he added a girl named Becky into his phone and was text messaging her A LOT. On maybe Tuesday or Wednesday I really got upset about the fact that he could pay so much attention to another girl but not me, and I called and had his phone line canceled. He called me from his house phone screaming more than I've ever heard him scream before, muttering things about buying me an engagement ring (er, promise ring, as I'm told now), and only breaking up with me to test his commitment.

After that passed, I noticed on Thursday morning that George had been text messaging Becky first thing every morning. That, to me, spoke louder than any words: he had a crush on her. My friend Fabian knew her from his old job, and knew her friend (and George's friend) Kathryn. Fabian went up to Becky in school and she said she and George were "taking things slow" and "just talking" at that moment, but yes, they did like each other. Fabian told me, and I was furious. I called George asking about it, and he admitted he did have a crush on her. I found out later that he omitted a very important detail.

My heart was broken, in millions and millions and millions of tiny pieces. The thought of MY boyfriend, and in my heart he still was MY boyfriend, liking somebody who was not me was absolutely devastating. I had panic attacks when the thought arose in my head. I went back and forth between not wanting anything to do with him to wanting to be friends with him and back to not wanting anything to do with him. All the while he was still telling me "we'll see what happens when you come home."

I started getting really bad feelings about his crush, and Fabian told me he would talk to Kathryn. He did this on Tuesday. He called me and he said, "Stacey, you're not going to like this, but he's been lying to both of you. They kissed last Wednesday." Those words just killed everything within me. Apparently he was telling Becky (by the way...what an awful name. Could not be uglier.) that everything was over between him and I, and telling me that he wasn't going to see or kiss/hug/touch Becky until I got home.

At this point, I shut him out of my life. I told him I wanted him gone completely and I deleted him from my buddy list, Facebook, and Myspace. I called him up and told him I want his phone line transferred over to his father. After hanging up he text messaged me and said, "Good luck on the boy hunt. Hopefully you'll find someone who can treat you better than I ever could. You deserve it. You were the best girlfriend I ever had."

I freaked out at this point and sent him a message saying, "Excuse me??? Then please refresh me, *why* did you break up with me FOR ANOTHER GIRL???" After a few hours he sent me a letter via Myspace:

"you know.. you're really something. you've been there for me through everything. you've been there for me when i've cried, when i've flipped out, when i've just felt downright dead to the world... and each time you've lifted me up and given me a shoulder to lean on; and you know, i just want to thank you.

the only thing that made up my mind for me to break up with you is the fact that i need someone closer. i know you're taking the fall off, and i appreciate that, but look... you even said it yourself... "scad is looking like the best possibility." and Stacey, that killed me that night you told me that. absolutely and utterly destroyed me. i thought, "how can i spend my life with someone who i will only see 4 months out of the year for the next 4 years?" That's ONLY a YEAR AND 4 MONTHS out of a possible FOUR YEARS i'd be with you. and as you can tell, i'm not good with long distance whatsoever. i understand the sacrifices you've made for me, and i am 100% absolutely grateful... and when you told me you were getting me a puppy i went into tears because that's the nicest thing anyone's ever wanted to do for me since Brat died. i always tell everyone, "i want a puppy of my own" but no one ever listens and always says "do you know how to take care of it and feed it and let it out, blah blah", and i guess you had the confidence and knew i was mature enough to do it, so thank you.

it's not that i fell out of love with you, it's the distance. i know you'll say i'm a faggot for supposably quoting Ben Gibbard, but in all seriousness... i just needed you so much closer.

if you still want to go to prom with me, just let me know, and i'll happily say yes to being the boy who watches you walk down the stairs all beautiful in your prom dress while i await in my tux.

ps; don't tell anyone about anything i said in this letter. just keep it to yourself and don't talk to Fabian about this. I think you telling him about our business was absolutely retarded."

This of course turned me back into a stupid idiot. I started thinking, "Wow, maybe we can be together again." I messaged him on AIM and we had a very sketchy conversation, but he "guaranteed" me he would not see Becky until I come home. Well, tonight his friend Brett's away message said, "Chillin. Then Pirates 3 (Yes!) with Alex, Georgie, Amritha, Bizzle, Becky, and Kathryn." THERE GOES HIS GUARANTEE!!!

He just signed online, and I asked him, "What did you do tonight?" He said, "Saw Pirates, but I'm going home, I'm tired." I said, "Wait. Who'd you go with?" and he signed off. His phone is broken and I'm not going to be able to contact him until his phone is turned on. Her away message right now is "night babe<3" and I KNOW it's about him.

He's playing me. And I'm falling for all of it. Please, someone save me.

He broke up with me.

I'm devastated.

Awesome.

I feel like shit.

FACT: My boyfriend has a crush on another girl.

FACT: He lies to me about it.

FACT: I want to go die.