I hate using this as a means to just bitch and complain. I'd rather have it mean something. I'd rather have my thoughts have depth. However, on this day, June 16th (finally?), I have to get some things out.

I need to leave. I hate being home. This is and isn't home. The house, yeah, that's home. I'm really upset that we have to sell it. At the same time, I wish we'd just leave Nashua altogether. Not only Nashua, but the Boston area. I want to never have a reason to come back here again. I love certain people, but I hate everyone else much more. I would miss Kim, Crystal, Tony, Skippy, Megan, Crit, and that's really it. Everyone else I'd get over never seeing again. Most, I wish I never did have to see again.

Tim. I will preface this by saying that I had to see this coming. Tim behaved this way over winter break and I knew he'd act this way again. About a month before I came home he started being all cute again and saying how he couldn't wait until I got home because he wanted to snuggle and cuddle and "not be dumb. I was so stupid before." Well.

We decided when I got back that neither of us were looking for a relationship. So I guess "friends with benefits" is the coined term that describes us best. However, there's a problem. Lately he's been talking a lot to his ex-girlfriend. I hate to bring this up, but it's necessary: They've been leaving each other frequent Myspace comments. He moved her to the #1 spot in his top 8 today. That there is enough to tell me something is going on. Now, why would I continue hooking up with someone who obviously is interested in somebody else? I'm really angry about this. I don't really know how to react to it. I want to try and be as mature as possible and seem as unaffected as I can.

Oh, and with Tim comes The Scene. All the kids he hangs out with, I mean... I've known them all for a few years and stuff, but never been really good friends with most of them. I just hate the goddamn Scene here. Everyone is so immature and they all act like they're fucking 12. I need to strictly hang out with college students.

Today sucks specifically because:

*It was my mother's birthday. She would have been 58.
*I found this shit out about Tim.
*One of my wisdom teeth is putting immense pressure on my gums. More than just when it breaks through, though.
*My throat also hurts, causing for quite the commotion when I try to swallow.
*I spent 7 hours color-removing, bleaching, and rebleaching my hair. I still need to bleach it one more time.

Why is it that at school everything feels so wonderful, and as soon as I come back here I'm fucking miserable? I feel like a completely different person when I'm here: one that I HATE. I want to leave...

And also, in light of this Tim situation, I'm really starting to feel like a complete invalid lately. He's the closest to a real anything I've had with a guy since I was 17 years old. That's fucking pathetic. Why is it that I am 100% not worth dating? It's not even that, no guy is interested in even a first date! I'm not being conceited, I am cute. I know I am. Lookswise and personality wise. I'm adorable. I say cute things accidentally. Why won't anybody give me a chance???

I'm a wonderful person. Anybody would be lucky to date me... I'm not lying. :-(

I walk the line.

I'm home from college. I hate it; I want to go back.

At school, the only problems I have are the ones I create for myself. It's not terribly difficult to get over them once I realize that. Here, I have to face everything. I have to face the fact that my mother is gone. I have to face the fact that this house will soon no longer belong to my family. I have to face the fact that I'm going to live a life exactly like my parents' (constantly worrying about money) because I'm about to accumulate $60,000 worth of college loans.

My friends here are different than at school. I have so much more in common with the people at school, I think, since we all went to that school for a reason. Here we're just friends because there's no one else around. I don't mean that I don't appreciate them because I really, really do. I just feel like the bonds I've made with my college friends are so much stronger.

Tonight I got the urge to find this folder of my mother's that I've been looking for. In the process I found a folder where she kept every award, certificate, progress report, or report card I've received since I started school in this state. That point was the worst I've been since February 26th when she died. It just hit me like a ton of bricks (excuse the cliché) how much she really did love me. I feel so cheated. I feel like there is so much about her that I don't know that I may never find out.

The worst pain about losing my mother is knowing that every day that is supposed to be a happy one will be cast with the shadow of her death and while it will still be one of the happiest days of my life, it will also be one of the saddest simultaneously. At my wedding I will cry tears of joy but also tears of remembrance and sadness that my mother will not be there. I don't care about the "she'll be there in spirit" crap because that means nothing to me. She won't actually be there, no matter what anybody says, and that kills me.

That's all..