This...is disgusting.

Last month I had a pap smear and a few weeks later they called me and told me I had abnormal results. They told me not to get worried but that I needed to come in again for more testing. I went in today...

I had a "culposcopy" which, as far as I'm concerned, stood for sticking a whole bunch of stuff inside me that I couldn't see because the sheet was covering everything except the doctor's face. I know she scraped my cervix (hard, and for 10 seconds) and "removed most of the abnormal cells". All I saw was a bloody clump which was promptly dropped into a jar and taken off for testing, but it scared me.

The doctor told me "you most likely don't have cancer, but you do have the DNA that causes it." That phrase scared me so, so much and has me so terrified that even if this turns out to be nothing, one day this will happen again only it WILL be cancer.

What if I can't get pregnant when I am ready to have kids? What if I can, but I miscarry?

I think I just saw the abnormal cells that she didn't scrape out, I think they were scraped and not collected...and if that's the case, nothing that looks like what I just saw should ever, ever be inside the human body. It made me absolutely sick.

*Sigh* I just have to accept the fact that he will never be the guy who picks me up at the airport with flowers. He's not the type who would shout his love from a mountain. He will never take a surprise trip to come see me. He will never, ever, ever be romantic.

I just have to accept it...or do I?

Are girls supposed to settle for this? Or am I supposed to be out looking for the man who DOES do that sort of thing?

Trying to justify how I feel..

Ok, so I feel really neglected and abandoned by my boyfriend and I want to try to write it all out.

Tonight he is going to a Boston Bruins game with a few of his friends. He told me before, so I knew he was going, and was apprehensive already about him spending the entire night out, unable to talk to me. I knew he was probably going to leave around 3:30 to get to the train station for 4, so I wanted to utilize the time beforehand to talk to him.

If it were me going out all night, I'd call him as soon as I got the chance to maximize the time we got to talk. But he doesn't think like that. He didn't rush home from school to talk to me. I'm having a lot of trouble understanding that thought process when it's not how I think. When I know we have minimal time together, I try to spend as much time as possible with him/talking to him as I can. He's just not the same way, and as hard as I try I just cannot understand it.

So, of course, as would be typical of our relationship, he gets a phone call saying the train is leaving 45 minutes earlier than planned and so he had to hang up the phone after having talked for less than a half hour. And I know he isn't going to be bothering to think about me or talk to me all night. He's driving to the train station, and then he'd much rather spend time with his friends than talk to me.

He does this to me and makes me feel completely abandoned and like I care about him so much more than he cares about me. I feel like I think about him first, and I do things relating to him first, and I don't feel the same is true for him. I don't feel like I *ever* come first to him. I feel like I just "fit in" where possible. He came home from school today and had a conversation about a comic book character with his stepdad instead of calling me.

...I just want to feel like I'm his first priority, like he thinks of me FIRST, and his friends/comic books/video games second. *Sigh* I don't know what to do. I don't know how to express myself any more than I already have, but I can't take the feeling I get when he goes out and ignores me for an entire night.