My silver platter is tarnished.

This is me ranting. This is me ranting about how everybody around me has life so easy... and I don't. Don't get me wrong. I am very well aware that there are people out there who have it thousands of times worse than me. But at the same time, isn't it almost worse to have a nice life taken away from you than to never have experienced it in the first place?

Maybe this is what I get for going to a $30,000 a year school where everyone has mommy and daddy paying every cent for them. I didn't expect to be one of the very few actually paying for my own tuition. It sickens me to see the way these people think and act. I'm really getting sick of my roommate. She embodies everything I hate about people with money. She has tons and tons of amazing, beautiful clothes....and she walks around in sweats every day. What a waste. She has been brought up with the attitude that anything is possible with enough money. She's been knocked up before and of course, she got an abortion. Now I hear her on the phone with several friends, telling them it's okay to get an abortion....they treat it like the only person who matters is themselves. I think they forget to realize that their actions are taking away a human life.

Along those lines, it really ticks me off. Two of the most important people in my life might not be here if their parents had been selfish enough to abort them. My boyfriend and my best friend were both born to ultra-young parents; their mothers were both 17 when they were born. Now, what happens if they had decided their own life was more important than that of the life inside of them? Well then two amazing, wonderful people would not exist on this earth. Shame on you, Sarah, for going around telling people that as long as they have the money, it's okay to kill a baby. I know about the cigarettes you hide from me, too.

My roommate knows how touchy I am about smoking because of my mother, so she hides cigarettes to bring with her when she goes and gets drunk.

Now this brings me to Ali. This girl Ali....this girl needs to be taught a real good, hard lesson. There is so much I could say about her, but honestly, the girl has everything handed to her on a silver platter. Right now, she has a great boyfriend. He treats her like an angel and he is a very nice guy. They've been dating probably a little over six months now. But that's not enough for her. Do you know what she tried to do? She tried to go on a "break" with him so she can hook up with guys here at school while he takes a semester in France. How disgustingly, filthily low is that? Yeah, that's love right there. The best part is the guy she wants to hook up with is the guy Sam who I had a crush on last year who I know for a fact does not hold girls as his number one priority in life. I can't believe she would throw away a great relationship to have meaningless hookups.

And then, she got accepted to our school's off campus program in Australia. Now, I really, really, really wanted to go to this. I decided not to so that I could spend time with George over winter break and so that I could work and save up some money. So right there the girl is lucky. Again, handed a great opportunity. Now the whole point of going is to take a course. ONE course. A two week course that gives you credit for taking a ten week course. So what does little miss princess say she's going to do? Skip it. Skip the whole reason for going just to recklessly whore herself around Australia. I can't believe somebody would actually do stuff like this. People don't realize how goddamned lucky they are.

The final thing that bothered me enough to write this all is this:

There is a girl who I was really close friends with in junior high who I had a falling out with freshman year of high school. I haven't spoken to her since. My friend sent me a link to her Myspace today because her boyfriend left her a comment about buying her a 2 carat diamond ring. It made me sick to think that someone as horrible as her could be the recipient of something I'll never receive. And I continued looking and saw that she is a pharmacy major and he goes to Harvard medical school. They have their lives laid out perfectly in front of them....I'll never have that, and I was never destined to. My destiny is graphic arts. Not something highly paid, not something well-respected. And George doesn't have a clue what he wants to do (although I must say, he's much better looking than her doctor-to-be.) I'm just so jealous of people who have nothing to worry about. I'll be paying off loans for the rest of my life, and she can pay hers off with a year's pay!

You can argue that everything I'm going through will make me a better person....but I'd have to counter that argument by saying that I feel like I've regressed to become a horrible friend, a huge shit talker, and overall a no good, mean person who is no longer fun to be around.

This is me ranting... This is me ranting about everything I'll never be.

Things most people don't realize about me:

I still deal with the death of my mother every day. Today I found an old conversation between George and me, and all it took was me saying, "sorry....momma just came in" to make me start crying. She'll never just barge into my room ever again.

You fuckers don't even understand how fucking lucky you are to still have both of your parents, for everyone who still does. It's a pain I can never express. I feel like I'm still a baby. There's so much about my life/her life that I will never know now. It was only a couple of years ago that she started to reveal her horrible past to me (like that her ex-husband was a cross dresser and that's why they ultimately got divorced). I'll never know things like that now.

On top of that, I dream about her almost every night. The only thing is, in my dreams she is never alright. She is always ill with her cancer, only she's right on the verge of death. Usually by the end of the dream she dies. They're so gruesome and twisted. I just want to dream of my mother how she was before we found out she had cancer. I want to see her in all of her glory.

This is just not fair. It is NOT FAIR!!!!!! She had so much left to teach me that I'll never learn. We'll never go out to Friendly's for dinner together again. She won't ever say "who's Tony???" again. She won't get to see me get married or have kids. She'll never have gotten to meet my future husband (George? and that's my mistake, because if I had only just given George a chance earlier on, she would have gotten to meet him.).

I realize that this probably had to happen in order for me to a) grow up, and b) learn to appreciate her as a good mother, but I can't help but feel bitter that I was ROBBED of a mother for the rest of my LIFE. My parents are supposed to die when I'm like 50 or 60 and they're old and can barely function anymore...not when they are 50 or 60.

I've realized since my mother died that she is such an angel. She was an incredible human being, even if we couldn't get along. She took care of terminally ill patients, ironically, before she got sick. And she did literally everything for those people and they all appreciated her so much, and she became part of their families as she took care of them. I get sick thinking of what a cruel, cruel situation this is for everybody involved.

My mother: Obviously the most affected, she lost her fucking LIFE. She was so fucking young. I get so ANGRY when I think about the fact that she's not here. It's just so unfair, she was a GOOD PERSON!!! Not a witch like my evil grandmother who is still alive and gratuitously chain smoking.

My father: I think he got the shit end of the stick. My parents were perfect, perfect, perfect for each other. If they ever fought, it was because one of them was fighting with me (my dad) and the other one (almost always my mom) got mad over that. They never, EVER fought. They were, by all accounts, soulmates. And I know my dad will most likely never re-marry because she was his one and only. I can't imagine him treating another woman as well as he treated my mother. I can't imagine him with anybody else, and he certainly as of now is not interested. My dad has always been a generally happy person but since my mom died he's actually fallen into a depression which hurts me to see. I feel semi-responsible because I'm not even there 9 months of the year to help ease his loneliness. His finances are all messed up now, too. His life, and subsequentially mine, is a mess.

Me: Well obviously, I lost my mother. I lost the one and only person who 100% loved me unconditionally. I don't include my dad in this only because he is not technically blood, and if he wanted to, which I know he never would, he could up and leave me. But I lost the most important person of my entire life. I never realized how important she was to me until she was gone. She was my backbone. She was my strength. Even for simple things. I need her right now. I'm in the worst period of my life to be going through something like this. I'm so stressed out about everything: school, graduating, loans, is George the one I'm going to marry?, how is Dad going to keep our house?, why does my life suck so hard right now?

I feel like my life, and of course my dad's, has just been turned upside down. It makes sense; we were united in a very odd and circumstancial way and once that happened everything came together and we became a normal middle class family. It only seems appropriate that if you should take one of us out of the picture that that idealistic life go, too. It's just...I never imagined life being like this. What happens if my dad CAN'T keep our house? My heart broke into a million pieces the day he told me he had to sell it. It picked back up when he said he was taking it off the market, but no one wants to be his roommate and so I have no idea what is going to happen. Ugh.



I know this was long but I was sitting here crying thinking about my mother so I felt obligated to post and let the lack of people reading this know what really goes on behind my happy-go-lucky façade.

*Fury*

Just thinking of her makes my blood boil.
And I always, always think of her. And her past with him. And all the things they've done.
And how he still has folders of pictures of her (and them) on his computer, and how that bothers me a lot but I've never told him; every time I remember that he has folders of pictures of them.....I get so fucking sick inside.

He'll probably see this but I don't care.

I feel like adding this:


I don't think he loves me as much as he loves/loved his ex-girlfriend, Kala, and I don't think that I can fill her shoes. Even though I think she's a filthy little bitch, she took up 2 and a half years of his life and that's just a huge burden on me because I know he's still not over her (no matter what he'd like to believe...it's so obvious from the way he's constantly talking about her, like he's trying to make himself believe that he's happier without her.)

I hate looking back and seeing all the comments they've left each other (and yes, I've seen them) because.... I leave him those comments and he never answers them back. So that, to me, is clue #1 that she > me. I just can't tell if he actually loves me, or if he just loves the idea of having found somebody before she did.

Ugh, I need some reassurance. I wish that he would do something to show me that he loved me, rather than just saying it. Saying it only means so much... I want him to cook me dinner or give me flowers or buy me a cute (fucking, it can be cheap, I don't care) ring to wear or something stupidly romantic like that. I just want him to do something to prove to me that he wants to be with me and that he's not just getting back at Kala.

*Sigh*