Right....

It's kind of funny that 2 days after I made my last post about being uber lonely, I started hanging out with the boy who is now my boyfriend. The night I made that post I kind of realized that I should probably start hanging out with him, because he was the only person other than my 2 best friends who ever expressed any sort of compassion for me.

It only took about 3 days for us to officially be "in a relationship"... it's perfect, so far. It kind of sucks because he's here and I'm going to be at school. I don't even want to go back to school anymore at all. I really want to take my classes and see my friends and stuff but I finally feel like I found my niche here. My friends and I have officially coined my house "The ROFL House", and there is a steady group of people who make regular appearances here. I'm going to miss not seeing these people every day.

I hope that George and I can work through me being away at school... it's going to be tough. No one thinks that I can do it, and hell, even I have no idea what's going to happen. I've hardly even been in any relationships, nevermind had to deal with distance. We'll see how this goes, but he's worth the effort.

I really want somebody to find this and read it.

PS: I just want to put it out there that I am so utterly lonely and desperate for romance right now in my life. I need somebody steady right now more than ever. I want a boy to fall asleep next to, to hold hands with at the movies, to picnic in Forsyth Park with, to ride bikes with, to teach me things that I'm too embarrassed to do on my own, to go to concerts with me, to make me breakfast and lunch and dinner, to call me just to tell me he was sorry he couldn't call me, someone steady.

Dan was the only guy I've ever had that came close to that and even then we were just barely 17 and it had way too many limitations. I want so desperately to be a part of a mature, real relationship. I'm sick of always ending up as the "friend with benefits"... guys who allow that situation obviously care a great deal for me. I need somebody to genuinely love me right now, so badly. I just need it. I can't explain that well, I don't think, but my life is so difficult right now and the only steady thing in it is Kim who, once again, has her boyfriend and now is only half there for me. I need somebody I can count on and I don't know where to find him.

Please, please don't make me live like this much longer... it hurts so badly.

Some things never fucking change.

Tonight is one of those depressed-for-basically-no-reason night. I'm bitter and I'm angry and this is my venue to write about it since no one reads it anyways.

First and foremost is obviously Justin. A, he obviously does not like me "that way" and I get really down whenever I realize that because he's such an awesome person. I am so jealous of the girl he does like. So jealous that I get flushed and hot whenever I think of her. And for a good 3 or 4 weeks he and I hung out pretty regularly but ever since then he is too busy to see me. I've gotten really down on it but the other day while I was still on vacation I texted him and said, "Hang out with me this weekend?" and he said, "It's probable!" Now, the dictionary defines "probable" as, "Likely to happen or to be true." However today he told me he doesn't think he can see me this weekend and that is just awesome. Awesome! So during the few hours that we somehow managed to talk online, I of course kept bringing it up to the point where I got him angry. Of course. I do that. I SUCK! He is never going to want to see my fucking face again, not like it matters because he doesn't like me "that way" anyways. I really was just his little slut, wasn't I?

And all during this I was really bitter that this is my first day back from vacation and nobody is rushing to hang out with me even though I've been gone for a week. It seems so stupid but the fact that everyone has better things to do really bothers me. Thinking of this I realized something important: I have only ever had 2 friends in my entire life, Kim and Crystal, who have actually let me know I mean something to them. They both have written me cards or letters specifically for the purpose of letting me know what a good friend of theirs I am, and Crystal has done it many, many times. I know that having 2 great friends is more than most people can say, just I wish that some of my other friends could maybe let me know that they would give a rat's ass if I happened to like, die or something. Because I just have a hard time believing anyone actually gives a fuck.

Honestly, 100% honestly, I think I'm a pretty special person. If I weren't me I'd, for the most part, like me. So why then, seriously, are people so adversed to hanging out with me and getting to know me? I'd kill for a serious conversation right now. I had some amazing ones with Tony at the end of last quarter and that is why I feel (felt?) so close to him. I feel (felt?) like I can (could?) trust Tony because we both shared intimate details of our lives with each other and that was awesome. I feel so alone in the world right now because I did have Kim but she's got her new boyfriend so now I'm #2 as far as hanging out goes, even though she'd like for me to believe I'm #1. That's not the case. She sees him way more than me, and she knows it.

I want my mother back.