:)

I have never been this happy in a relationship. I am going to go on the record, just about 2 months in (the second time around), that when they say "You just know," they mean it. I can't imagine spending my life with anybody else, and if I am correct, I will be fundamentally happy for the rest of my life, regardless of circumstance.

Our connection reminds me a lot of *gag* Jim and Pam on The Office. I am such a hopeless romantic that I always wanted to believe I had a Jim out there. I just never imagined it would be somebody I had known for so many years, and a fateful reconnection that would bring us together. The best thing is that I can see his feelings in his eyes when he looks at me, and I know that I mean just as much to him as he means to me.

I am completely, utterly, 100% in love with this man. Don't judge me; maybe this time it has only been two months but I got to know him four years ago over several months as well and we have been (somewhat distant) friends for years. I can't wait to see what our future holds for us. :)

How things change***

This has turned into the chronicles of my dating life, hasn't it?

This past month has been wild. I mean really wild. I have started seeing Andy. Andy is a very old friend of mine. We started working at Toys R Us in 2003 and that is where we met. In 2005 I started to like him and we spent a good deal of time together but neither of us was ready for a relationship.. whatever we had ended after about a month.

This time around is unbelievable. It started out as us just hanging out as per usual-- every six months or so we have gone out to lunch together but this time I suggested drinks. We ended up staying out all night and the rest is mostly history. I realized for the second time how incredible of a person he is and that I'd be a fool not to see if something came of this. I didn't have any expectations...but something did! YAY!

The past week or so have been really telling. We have such a passion for each other..everything we do together is fueled by something deeper. I can see how he feels in the way he looks at me, and the way he holds me tighter than anybody ever has. He has done more for me in a week than anybody I've dated ever has. He has inspired me to want to DO things like write, and paint, and learn piano again. When we went out to eat and his food came out first, he didn't touch it until mine came out.

He danced with me on New Year's Eve, and he slow danced with me last night at a bar. The way we smile each other is different than anything I've ever been a part of. This is huge; this is magical; this could possibly be 'it'. I'm so excited. :)

Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own any more
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Bye bye

Despite my paralyzing fear of death, the other night I prayed to God that if my life isn't going to get any better, that he would take me away from this life instead of make me wish I had the courage to do it myself.

Blahh.

I only write in here when I feel like getting stuff off my chest but don't want to air out dirty laundry somewhere where I know people will SEE it, like Myspace or LiveJournal or what have you.

I've been getting myself involved with the exact wrong guy, for all the wrong reasons. He's that quintessential charismatic bad guy, who can make you forgive him for any wrong doing with one smile and a line from his inevitable arsenal full of them. He was over in the UK living for a few months and I started talking to him a few weeks before he came home. He acted like he was so excited to come home and see me and be with me, but ever since he came home he has had trouble calling me any time earlier than 3 in the morning for a very-late-night booty call.

I really.. 'like'.. him. I mean I don't like HIM but I like the idea of him, I loved cuddling with him and the smell of him and all those things. I hate that he only cares to call me after all is said and done and no one else is around. His mistake is thinking I'd actually come over at 3 am, because I won't. I deserve someone who WANTS to be around me, who can't stop thinking about me... I don't know why I'm wasting my time on anything else.

I just don't think there IS anyone out there who will ever feel that way about me, and I don't get why... I think a guy would be lucky to have me. :(

"Fuck."

I'm in such a pissy fucking mood. Onnnn Monday night I wanted to have a "serious talk" with John but we were going to a concert so I waited. On the drive home I didn't want to talk either because..well, he was driving. So I was IMing my friend Alice from my phone.

We got to my house and I said, "Are you busy tomorrow?", and he said "I don't know, why?" I said, "I know you work early tomorrow but I have a lot I still want to say to you. I don't want to keep you out late." He started SCREAMING at me. I mean legitimately screaming, at the top of his lungs. I don't quite get it. He said, "A LOT TO SAY? A LOT TO FUCKING SAY??? THEN WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU TEXT MESSAGING THE WHOLE RIDE HOME???? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!!! GET OUT!!!"

Then he pushed me. Or in his words, "bumped" me. Hahah wow. WOW. Then he slammed his car door on me. It's been a few days since that happened and I hadn't heard from John. I had his swim trunks at my house so today I brought them over; if he wasn't home I just would have left them with one of his roommates.

I saw him and 'talked' to him for a couple of minutes; he was furious that I was telling everyone he hit/pushed me. Oh gee, I'm so0o0o sorry for telling everybody about what a psycho you are. I left, I wasn't there very long.

After I got home I deleted him from Myspace and Facebook. You know, the be-all-end-all of our generation. He immediately started text message harrassing me, telling me to stop lying about him hitting me. He says he
"bumped" me. I said, "Is that what you call it? What if you had 'bumped' me a little harder, and I had lost my footing and cracked my head open on the ground?? You'd be in JAIL right now. You're a fucking psycho, good luck with that."

He replied back, "Good luck not being super possessive over your next boyfriend." What a fucking farce; I was NOT possessive over John. Unless he's referring to my distaste for his strip club habit... oh, damn, I didn't realize it was so wrong to not want my boyfriend staring at other chicks' tits when he was hard pressed to fuck me in the first place!!

SO, I replied back, "Hopefully the next one will actually appreciate me for the good person I am! :) Stop texting me, you're a bad person and I want nothing to do with you."

That's that. I'm so glad to be moving on; what a SHITHEAD!!! He pushed a girl and has NO idea that that is wrong! I hope to GOD he hits someone down in damn Florida and that bitch takes him straight to jail. He would deserve it. What a psychopath piece of shit. Ugh. PEACE, HONEY!!!!

Might as well.

I'm waiting for my friend Megan to be ready so I can go on a job hunt, and I just managed to stumble across my blog that no one knows about, so why not update??? It's only been 10 months, right?

Uhhhhhh ok. I did end up dating that guy I wrote about in the last post. He was a complete angel, saint, whatever. But the problem was overwhelmingly that I just did not have enough time on my own between the two of them and I needed that break. So I broke up with him. And a month later was dating again... UUUGGHHHH, I can't help it, they just manage to show up out of nowhere. That one lasted a month but immediately thereafter I found John. John is wonderful, we've been seeing each other for just over a month. John is moving to Florida in the coming months. FUCK!

My dad is still seeing that God-awful woman. She actually just walked into my kitchen. I hope he goes into therapy soon so that he realizes how low he is stooping by dating her, and how much better he deserves, and maybe then he will go for a young hot babe like he deserves! I'd feel sooo much better about him dating again if the person he was dating had any scrap of personality and didn't look like my grandmother.

I've been digging older tunes lately. The Beatles keep climbing and climbing up there among my favorite bands and I have to say that it's a deadlock tie between them and The Avett Brothers for #1. The Avett Brothers may not be retro but they are, in my opinion, the best band SINCE The Beatles, and they put on the live show to prove it. Go listen to them if you haven't, and go see them live if you haven't done that. I promise that if you have any sort of good taste in music, you will love them.

I turned 21 and have spent the summer drinking most of my nights away. I'm fine with that. I decided that this summer I was going to change my attitudes about a lot of things. I smoked pot for the first (and second) time. The second time I was completely drunk already and somehow my friends convinced me it would still be a good idea. I lost my fucking mind and spent the night sleeping(ish) on the toilet seat. Whatever, we all need those nights. HA.

I guess that's really it. No *huge* changes in my life. I wonder if anybody at all reads this. Whatever. :)

NEWS?

So it's been a really long time since I last wrote in here and a LOT has happened. Like, things I never could have imagined. I'll be as brief as possible.

George and I got back together once I got home for the summer. Things were great for a while but then I started feeling really held back from my life and even though I took the fall off I decided to break up with him; finding out that in August he went on my cousin's computer while we were at her house and sent himself naked pictures of her really helped me do this with confidence.

I've been alone for two weeks but I already had a date and I already really like the boy. I am trying really hard not to move too quickly with him because he scares me a lot. I don't know him very well or his reputation. He says he's only slept with 3 girls, but isn't the rule to multiply that by 3 and that's the real number? Ha. We'll see where this goes.

My dad is seeing someone new. He didn't tell me about her. I walked in on her naked in my basement. I hate her. She's no good for my dad. She doesn't own a car and never got a real job; she's 57 and an associate at Sears. My dad is 46.

Oh yeah. I got a dog. She's half Beagle and half Boston Terrier. That'd make her a Boggle. She's the cutest thing in the entire world. She's so off the wall but I love her so much.

I got a wrist tattoo of the Hanson logo; fuck y'all, I love them. I took a trip last week down to Savannah (yeah, the place I left) to go see them play AT THE SCHOOL I DESERTED. It was incredible and I met them and took amazing pictures.

SO, that's my life in a nutshell. Pretty brief if I don't say so myself!